6 Weeks

Tomorrow it will be 6 weeks since you walked out, disappeared, no explanation, no phone call, nothing.

6 weeks since you seemingly ceased to exist.

How are we all holding up? We seem to be getting past the constant crying. The constant feeling of foreboding. The constant feeling of anxiety.

In fact, it’s as if we’ve all made a non verbal agreement to not ask about you or discuss you anymore. To talk about you is a reminder of what you’re putting us all through.

So instead, we go along with you not existing. We don’t talk about you. Even though you’re there, just behind the veil in our thoughts. Just behind the tears brimming in our eyes and the ache in our hearts and the knots in our stomachs.

Perhaps if we stop talking about you for long enough, you really will cease to exist.

Perhaps then we can have some peace.

I am believing more and more with each passing day that you are not coming back.

5 Weeks

That’s how long you’ve been gone for. 5 Impossibly long weeks. I don’t know how Mom & Dad are still standing, they are stretched to the very limit and at their absolute wits end, I’m not sure they can go on like this for too much longer. I keep waiting for a phone call to tell me something has happened to one of them.

5 Long weeks have started to take their toll on me too. I’m very emotional and seem to be unable to stop crying. I cry at the drop of a hat and I cry everywhere. Last night, I even cried in the shopping mall.

Tomorrow, our cousin, who’s like a third sibling, is leaving the country and emigrating to Australia. She is devastated that she is not going to get a chance to say goodbye to you and I am devastated by the thought of her leaving. Once she’s gone, I will be all alone. I know that I have Mom & Dad but at the rate they’re being pushed to the edge, they won’t be around for too much longer and then who will I have? No one. I have my husband and I have my child and other than that I will have no one to count on to be there for me when I need them.

I’m so indescribably sad and depressed but there’s no one to tell. Those closest to me who know of your situation, they don’t understand. They don’t understand that calling you an asshole and talking smack about you (even though most of what is said is deserving) doesn’t help me or comfort me in any way, all it does is piss me off.

I have never in my life been surrounded by so many people and felt so alone.

A Criminal!

That’s what you are. A common criminal! A thief! You’ve been stealing from Mom & Dad for years! Only this time its different! This time they are fed up with you. This time they are not going to bail you out or help you out like they’ve always done in the past. This time, they’re going to let you deal with the consequences of your actions and its about damn time too!!!!!

This time you went to far. When Dad realized this morning that his expensive, extendable ladder and the four spare tyres he keeps in the car port were missing do you know what he did???? He got in his car, drove to the police station and laid a charge of theft against you! BRAVO Dad!!!

I know police holding cells don’t scare you, you’ve spent a couple of weekends in them, sleeping with your back to the wall and one eye open. But this time it will be different. This time the charges won’t be dropped. This time you won’t be bailed out and this time you will go to jail, which in my opinion, is where you belong!

Perhaps, once you’re in jail, perhaps then we can all have the peace we deserve! Not spend every day wondering when the shit will hit the fan again. Wondering what you’ll do next. What you’ll get up to next. Peace, that’s something none of us has had in almost 20 years, thanks to you.

But you’re gonna get what you deserve! One way or another its inevitable!

In 2 Days…

You will have been missing for a month. You’re a cruel son-of-a-bitch! The least you can do is call and tell Mom and Dad that you’re ok, that you’re not coming back and they should stop waiting for you.

Because that’s what they’re doing, they’re waiting for you…….

A whole month, four weeks of hell, four weeks of hoping each phone call, each ring on the intercom will be you, telling them you’re ok.

They need you to tell them you’re not coming back, they won’t stop waiting until you do. What kind of a life is that for them?

How Will This End?

Your Life Is A Train Wreck

You’ve been missing since December, 19th. We don’t know where you are, I’m not even sure I care anymore and it looks like Mom & Dad are reaching the point where they don’t want to care anymore either.

I think the final straw came when the cops arrived at their house in the early hours of the morning on the 21st December, looking for you, informing them that your car had been caught on CCTV being used as the transport vehicle during a car theft. We heard last week you were arrested but when you appeared in court the judge dismissed the case against you for lack of evidence. You’re damn lucky that the CCTV footage couldn’t determine if it was you driving the vehicle.

You left with nothing. No money, no clothes, not even a toothbrush. Where are you living? How are you surviving?

I just wonder who you are? How did it all go so wrong? When did your life become such a train wreck? And when we ill it all end?

Mom & Dad are near breaking point. You’re one cruel piece of shit! To do that to them? They’ve never been anything but good to you, especially Mom, she has fought tooth and nail for you, but even she is reaching the end of her tether.

I wish you were dead. I think its the only way any of us, including you, will ever have any peace. I don’t have faith in rehabs anymore, I don’t believe in the 12 steps anymore and I don’t believe in you anymore. The only way that I see this ending is for you to be dead.

My Prayer For The Holidays

God grant me the serenity
to accept that you’re an idiot;
courage to not smash your face in;
and wisdom to hold my tongue & argue with your stupidity..

AMEN

Living In Your Car?

Now that must be fun! According to the cops you’ve been living in your car since last Monday. You have no clothes with you, no toiletries, so God alone knows how that car must be stinking.

You’re lucky you’d run out of money because the cops searched the car and you and if they’d found drugs they would have arrested you. Back into a police cell for you. Would you have liked that? I, as a sane, semi intelligent person, would have thought that spending the weekend in a prison holding cell last year, with no shoes and no belt, surrounded by gangsters would have been rock bottom, but I guess I was wrong! Because you sure as hell are heading back that way!

Dad is going to the Dr today, he’s been having chest pains and shortness of breath, you fucking asshole, why do you think that is? Mom still hasn’t stopped crying and its now reaching the point where she’s get short with me.

I phoned yesterday to speak to them, I just wanted to know they were ok, but Dad wouldn’t talk to me and Mom wasn’t exactly friendly. I hate this, I hate what you do, because I get punished because of the shit you do!

This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life but its being ruined by the shit that you do!

I don’t want anything to do with you anymore! I don’t want to be a part of your life and I don’t want you to be any part of my life or my daughters life.